Here I am again, 5 years since I chose love over career, wanting to make the same decision again. I repeat, same decision.
So far the lessons life taught me stand thus;
- Love is not a popular currency at grocery stores.
- Marriage takes as much hard work as finishing high school and college in three years.
- Children need parents, not money-minting machines.
- And, happiness can only be found within ourselves.
Two years ago, when my son was still too young to give me PTA nightmares, and when my husband and I had hit a financial rock-bottom, I thought, “Would we have been better off if I had just stuck to working post marriage?”
Obviously, I din’t voice my concerns out, for the fear of finding myself right and regretting. But seasons changed and the winter came to an end. Everything was forgotten, including the lame taunting voice in my head. Things looked better for us. And now suddenly there is a Summer Sun shining bright and warm on our faces.
Fate obviously likes irony, and here I am contemplating the same I had done five years ago. Only this time, it says “It’s your second chance, the one your prayed for.”
Its harder this time around. On one-hand there is past experience putting out all its flashy warning signals out, on the other, there is love and a tiny human created purely out of love. On one hand I have elderly voices ringing out how adults need to behave, on the other there is faith and trust in a human being, that goes beyond what one can explain. Yes, it’s much harder.
And hence, here I am, thinking, what good does all my success amount to if I do not have the most important people in my life by my side to share it? What will my bank account be worth if it can only buy a smile and not happiness to my boys? What will my achievements look next to a troubled teenager and a dis-interested mid-aged husband?
Not much, I am sure.
And that brings me to the last point. Happiness, can only be found within ourselves. That is the biggest blessing we all have, regardless of the fact that few can comprehend it. Happiness need not be sought outside our lives, it lives in us everyday, waiting to be unwrapped. I understand that only I hold the key to unlock it, and only I can set myself free. Whether I succeed or not.. well that’s a tale for another day, but what’s important is to realize that I need to stop searching for it around me.
When at work, I told my boss that I would be putting my papers down pretty soon, she wondered out loud, why women always compromised more in a marriage. I responded with a smile. I now feel, that maybe, that’s why women are different from men. A woman knows that her family depends on her to keep the scales from tipping off. Her instincts will guide her towards a more meaningful existence than a more robust bank account. Isin’t it time for us to embrace our differences and make the most of it?
Only time can judge me, but until then, I will go, with what my heart says. I shall follow the path guided by my instincts. And I will glide like a leaf, wherever the current takes me, because I know the secret to my happiness.